For all the great plays and heartwarming stories in sports, there’s also the ugly and awful. Each Saturday, we’ll be bringing you 3-5 of the worst plays/decisions by athletes from that week. Some will be sad, some will be pathetic, but hopefully, most will be funny.
1. Atlanta Braves and Snowflake Conservatives
In Game 5 of the NLDS between the Braves and Cardinals, the Cardinals destroyed the Braves in front of their home crowd, scoring 10 runs in the first inning to all but end the game before it had ever really started. However, today we’re going to talk about one of the ancillary stories of this series; the Tomahawk Chop.
This became a relevant story because of Cardinals rookie reliever Ryan Helsley. Helsley, one of the solid relievers the Cardinals have counted on in the second half, is a member of the Cherokee tribe. Helsley pitched in Game 1 in Atlanta, and after Game 2, he said he was shocked and offended by the Tomahawk Chop, given his heritage.
Once the series went back to Atlanta for Game 5, the Braves supposedly addressed the issue, stating, “Out of respect for the concerns expressed by Mr. Helsley, we will take several efforts to reduce the Tomahawk Chop during our in-ballpark presentation today. Among other things, these steps include not distributing foam tomahawks to each seat and not playing the accompanying music or using Chop-related graphics when Mr. Helsley is in the game. As stated earlier, we will continue to evaluate how we activate elements of our brand, as well as the overall in-game experience. We look forward to a continued dialogue with those in the Native American community after the postseason concludes.”
While this on its face might seems decent, it isn’t. This is only offensive when Helsley is in the game? The worst part is a discussion of brand. The Tomahawk Chop is a Braves brand???
It’s time for a quick history lesson. The Tomahawk Chop is not part of the Braves brand for multiple reasons. Firstly, of course, is the fact that this is whitewashing and appropriation, but that should be obvious to all. More hilariously to me, the Braves actually stole this “brand element” from another team. Originated at Florida State, the chop was based on the fact that the FSU mascot was the Seminole. When Deion Sanders, FSU star, played for the Braves, the chop migrated northward. It’s insane to say in any way that’s an element of the Braves’ brand, they weren’t even the first to appropriate it.
However, while that was bad, some conservative commentators yelled “Hold my Beer” and belly-flopped into this turd-filled pool. Here are an assortment of tweets from some of the intellectual luminaries of the day.
Georgia Tea Party Leader Debbie Dooley calls others snowflakes since she can’t do a racist chop.
Majority Whip of the Georgia House Trey Kelley laments the fact that a lack of foam tomahawks in the stands depressed the Braves’ players so much that they got crushed.
Ann Coulter, known genius – the tweet speaks for itself.
As Ed Kilgore’s article in NYMag is titled, “Georgia Republicans Think Braves Lost in the Playoffs Because of Insufficient Racism.” The fact that this is a real story is amazing to me – I thought it was the Onion at first.
Of course, this also ignores the fact that the Braves fans did in fact do the Chop during Game 5 – right before the Cardinals ground them into dust.
Hmm, maybe the racism just wasn’t sufficient without flaccid foam props? Stay classy, all.
2. Jacob Nix
After a discussion about cultural appropriation and racist sentiment, it’s nice to have a funnier story – in this case, Padres’ minor leaguer Jacob Nix trying a different kind of doggy-style.
Nix, who last pitched in the majors in 2018, was trying to enter a doggy-door in a stranger’s home north of Phoenix last Sunday. He was kicked and then tased by the owner of the home. Nix claimed he was trying to enter his own home (Yikes.) and police said he was under the influence of alcohol or drugs (No shit?).
Usually athletes around my age make me feel bad about what they’re doing and I’m not (Nix is 23). In this case, I feel excellent about my own judgment.
3. NFL Schedule Makers
I want to talk about something I’ve noticed through the first third or so of the football season – the fact that every week there seems to be a terrible primetime game. In the first 4 weeks, there were matchups including Denver at Oakland, Cleveland at New York Jets, Chicago at Washington, and Cincinnati at Pittsburgh. I did a deep dive into what teams had the most primetime games and my suspicions were confirmed – the NFL has as much trouble predicting how the season will go as the general public does.
Teams playing 5 times in primetime this season: PIT, NE, KC, GB, MIN, CHI, DAL, PHI, LAR, SEA
Teams playing 4 times in primetime this season: CLE, LAC, NO
Teams playing 3 times in primetime this season: BAL, NYJ, IND, HOU, NYG, SF
Teams playing 2 times in primetime this season: OAK, DEN, WAS, ATL
Teams playing 1 times in primetime this season: CIN, MIA, JAX, TEN, DET, TB, CAR, ARI
Teams playing 0 times in primetime this season: BUF
Yikes – the only team playing no times in primetime is 4-1. Meanwhile, my beloved Steelers are 1-4, the Browns and Chargers have been large disappointments this season, and somehow, both the Jets and the Giants got three primetime games each. Kirk Cousins and Mitch Trubisky get 5 primetime appearances each, though it looks like Chase Daniel might take a couple of those for the Bears. Finally, I have to question why the Redskins were scheduled twice in primetime? What blackmail does Daniel Snyder have on Roger Goodell??
Watch out for Week 8 – somehow both Redskins v. Vikings and Steelers v. Dolphins are shown for the whole world to see.
4. Clayton Kershaw and the Dodgers
This is sad and hurts me to write. While I was rooting for the Nationals, I did not want Kershaw’s heart to be broken again. When Dave Roberts called for him instead of Maeda or another stud reliever, my heart sank. Kershaw’s crouch on the mound after Soto’s moonshot was so humanizing.
By the time Howie Kendrick’s grand slam boomed into the Los Angeles night, everyone knew what story had been written. Another chapter of Clayton’s Chokes was written in big letters for the world to see. Now, Dave Roberts made the decisions that cost the Dodgers, and after Kershaw left, the game was still tied, but it was another sad ending for the greatest lefty pitcher I’ve ever seen. There’s been plenty written about the game – I don’t feel the need to summarize it, but I think everyone can empathize with Kershaw’s struggles.
Bonus/Sam’s Conspiracy Corner: Robert Kraft
Do I hate Boston Sports teams? Absolutely. Do they frequently give the public reasons to hate them? This is also a yes.
The day before Thursday Night Football, Rupert Murdoch met privately with Attorney General William Barr, ostensibly to talk about how it isn’t sufficiently acting like State TV for President Trump. Barr is recently known for traveling around the world looking for conspiracies and for ranting about secular society at Notre Dame Law School.
Look up on Thursday Night Football, and who is Kraft hanging out with? The same Rupert Murdoch. The man is Australian – why does he even care about American Football? Now I’m not saying something sketchy happened, but let’s just remember that the Super Bowl ring Vladimir Putin has originally belonged to Kraft.
We’ll be back next week with some more lowlights from sports.
